When Harry Met Who?... and why marriage ruins my life
Can guys and girls really ever be 'just friends'? That's a question I've discussed on many occasions and, as a couple of my bestest friends from college are men, I adamantly say "yes, it's possible." Granted maintaining a guy/girl friendship is rare, but it can happen. Hollywood wouldn't allow for it in movies because everything is sexualized and Christian youth group leaders wouldn't allow for it in fear of it becoming sexualized, but I really do believe guys and girls can maturely handle positive, uplifting friendships. Maybe I'll blog someday on why I think God may have orchestrated a close kinship with the opposite sex into my life, but for now I'll just stick with the friendship thing and what marriage has to do with any of this.
First off, I was driving this evening to an ultimate game and on the way passed a Buffalo Wild Wings. Suddenly I was bombarded by the memory of sitting at that same place about 9 months ago eating wings, drinking a beer, and watching my alma mater play b-ball with my best guy friend in the whole world. Next came memories of about 15 or so ski days last season, bars in college, bbq's in college, 4-wheelers and the closest to death I've ever been, ultimate frisbee then and now, getting severely lost on road trips, sitting at Denny's sobbing uncontrollably about a broken heart at 1am, sitting at Fazoli's with the tears streaming down again, and many hours and years of some of the deepest friendship I've shared with any other person to this date. All of these memories have the same friend in them. A friend who is a guy. Also a friend who I've never kissed, never wanted to kiss, nor ever desired to date. Just my friend, and at times my very best friend. So yes...a friendship between guys and girls IS possible. I've experienced it and its wonderful.
On the drive however, I started contemplating the first glitch in the whole friendship. He is getting married soon and I realized that I'll never have those memories with him again. That's tough to swallow. My female friends who are married still remain close and nothing has changed much, but with him, everything will change. I always reflect when I have a friend tie the knot and typically with girls, it's an exciting sort of reflection because I know that the memories wont end and the friendship will continue. With my guy friend however, the reflection takes on a tone more of "well it was fun while it lasted." Sigh. Sob. Of course its completely reasonable and appropriate that things change, but its horribly depressing to me right now. So depressing in fact, I drove about 30 minutes past the place I was suppose to exit for my ultimate game today and didn't even notice until I was way off course. Sure I can find new friends to eat wings with me and go skiing, but where will I ever find a friend who will watch Oklahoma State basketball and have every bit of their day influenced by whether we win or not, or wait for me patiently at the bottom of every mogul section on the slopes and hike back up the mountain when my skis fly in fifteen different directions? Who will listen to my tears at a restaurant and tell me how proud he is of me being "brave" as I face my biggest emotional challenges square on? It's always nice and uplifting when girls encourage me in my struggles with relationships, but to a degree it sometimes just seems dutiful. Like that's what us women folk are "suppose" to say to one another. It means something totally different when a guy takes the time to sit me down and speak some hope into my life. I'll really miss that.
I still think guys and girls can be friends. I guess it is inevitable though, that things are different and I have to adjust accordingly as difficult as that might be.
First off, I was driving this evening to an ultimate game and on the way passed a Buffalo Wild Wings. Suddenly I was bombarded by the memory of sitting at that same place about 9 months ago eating wings, drinking a beer, and watching my alma mater play b-ball with my best guy friend in the whole world. Next came memories of about 15 or so ski days last season, bars in college, bbq's in college, 4-wheelers and the closest to death I've ever been, ultimate frisbee then and now, getting severely lost on road trips, sitting at Denny's sobbing uncontrollably about a broken heart at 1am, sitting at Fazoli's with the tears streaming down again, and many hours and years of some of the deepest friendship I've shared with any other person to this date. All of these memories have the same friend in them. A friend who is a guy. Also a friend who I've never kissed, never wanted to kiss, nor ever desired to date. Just my friend, and at times my very best friend. So yes...a friendship between guys and girls IS possible. I've experienced it and its wonderful.
On the drive however, I started contemplating the first glitch in the whole friendship. He is getting married soon and I realized that I'll never have those memories with him again. That's tough to swallow. My female friends who are married still remain close and nothing has changed much, but with him, everything will change. I always reflect when I have a friend tie the knot and typically with girls, it's an exciting sort of reflection because I know that the memories wont end and the friendship will continue. With my guy friend however, the reflection takes on a tone more of "well it was fun while it lasted." Sigh. Sob. Of course its completely reasonable and appropriate that things change, but its horribly depressing to me right now. So depressing in fact, I drove about 30 minutes past the place I was suppose to exit for my ultimate game today and didn't even notice until I was way off course. Sure I can find new friends to eat wings with me and go skiing, but where will I ever find a friend who will watch Oklahoma State basketball and have every bit of their day influenced by whether we win or not, or wait for me patiently at the bottom of every mogul section on the slopes and hike back up the mountain when my skis fly in fifteen different directions? Who will listen to my tears at a restaurant and tell me how proud he is of me being "brave" as I face my biggest emotional challenges square on? It's always nice and uplifting when girls encourage me in my struggles with relationships, but to a degree it sometimes just seems dutiful. Like that's what us women folk are "suppose" to say to one another. It means something totally different when a guy takes the time to sit me down and speak some hope into my life. I'll really miss that.
I still think guys and girls can be friends. I guess it is inevitable though, that things are different and I have to adjust accordingly as difficult as that might be.
posted by carlymarie | 1:18 AM
4 Comments:
Guys and girls can be 'just friends'... to a certain extent. And part of that certain extent, as you have discovered, is things change when that 'm' word happens. It changes the perspective on a friendship when you think about the fact that someday things will change and you will most likely get less access to that friend that you currently enjoy. Close friendships usually require one-on-one time to cultivate and it's rare for one-on-one time with a married member of the opposite sex to be accepted. So the friendship changes more to a third-wheel scenario. Then they move away, have a baby, and you get random emails with too many pictures of their little kid doing boring stuff like running through a sprinkler or how much fun they had visiting grandma.
In the book Brave New World, it shows what a world without attachment would be like. No more marriages "ruining" lives in that world.
But, then someday, you'll be the one in the marriage shoes and some friend will be lamenting the loss of your friendship and all will be well in the world.
Amen brother. Brave New World was good. I actually liked it more than 1984 I think. It's the one with the happy pills and miniature golf right?
Well that may be true to some degree cause I know some of the friendships with guys I enjoyed in college were easier to cultivate due to the fact that I was in a serious relationship during most of that period and there was no room for doubt that I was totally enamored with him and had no interest elsewhere.
But i would dissagree to an equal degree because the closeness I feel with my guy friend is mostly due to the hours upon hours that we have spent together over the the past few years (esp. the last year) and had either one of us had a sig. other at the time, we wouldn't have had that time together. Appropriately so of course, but having a friend that you're comfortable "talking to" cause there's no room for confusion is a different thing from having a friend who knows you in all of your faults, strengths, loves, hates, past, future etc.
I guess it's not the loss of a friend i'm sad over cause he'll probably still be my friend after his marriage. It's the loss of the depth of that friendship that I've cherished so much for so long and am now mourning cause it's inevitable that it wont be there come January after the wedding.
You have moved on to your next post, but I am gonna add my two cents anyway.
I totally agree that a male-female friendship can happen and be a truly non-romantic thing. Good point about youth ministers resisting such things, by the way. Too bad for them (and us).
Marriage does throw a kink in the plans, but I bet that if you met a guy already married and became friends, it would not be a problem. Marriage may not the divisive issue here. In fact, as a married guy, I would say that I am more able to have important friendships with women. But things did have to change in existing friendships when I got married.
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