Two Things. Narcissism cont.
Two surprising things I noticed about myself this week:
1. I'm far more independent than I previously thought
2. I don't like to be touched
About number 1: I spent 2 years of my life living alone in Oklahoma. It was during that whole "quarter-life crisis" that every twenty-something must endure at some point and I remember the absolute lowest of moments, but also some of the best moments of my life during that time. I remember having moments of complete loneliness, depression and remember considering checking myself into some sort of institution (just a consideration but I did finally go to counseling which was one of best decisions of my life and completely life changing). I also remember moments of complete rest and peace when I could curl up on my couch on a Friday night with a rented movie and a chocolate malt from Braum's, and nights when I would get into my PJ's right after work and lay in bed reading until I fell asleep. That was on the good days. I've felt overwhelmed the last few weeks with social obligation. From wedding celebrations, close friends coming into town, holidays and their respective events/parties, and the usual "low key" night that usually turns into late hours, I feel like I need a break from people. Don't get me wrong...I still will attend every party, get-together, and event, but I definitely want to be more conscience of my need for alone time. I don't ever want to reach a point where I don't want to spend time with my friends because I need to be alone. When I look back on my "alone" days in Oklahoma, its the moment spent with friends that reside more deeply in my soul then the movies I watched alone. I do, however, realize that I need to make time for myself. Time to capture that feeling I had when I spent a Saturday night home alone with my guinea pig and realized that I was ok with it. Time to go to bed at 9pm instead of midnight. Overall I would say that this is a very fortunate consideration to face. It's really wonderful having friends who call you first and never having to worry about boredom on a weekend night.
About number 2: This is a strange bit about me because I've always known this one to be true. I don't really "like" to hug people that much (and never have), but I also know that if I took that "5 love languages" test I would undoubtedly be a physical intimacy kind of a person. I would prefer if we didn't hold hands in a circle when praying over dinner, however I also remember my first boyfriend telling me how aggravating it could be because I always wanted to hold his hand. I remember how crushed I felt realizing that the very language that I most freely expressed my love could be annoying to the person I most wanted to express it too. It's probably good that we broke up and I realize that now. (So you don't think that I'm trying to get sympathy points here, the next guy to fulfill a romantic role in my life spoke a lot of reassurance and hope back into my heart on that subject so there really is no baggage there, that story is only for illustration of a deeper truth about me). Anyways, I really cant figure out why I don't like to hug people, why I get so tense when someone tries to give me a "friendly" back rub, and why when girls cuddle up on a couch for movie night I always want to be on the recliner alone. And more than confusion over this alone, I really cant figure out how this relates with being a girl who constantly want to be held, cuddled, and made-out with when I get into a "romantic" relationship. Maybe I'll never really figure this one out.
1. I'm far more independent than I previously thought
2. I don't like to be touched
About number 1: I spent 2 years of my life living alone in Oklahoma. It was during that whole "quarter-life crisis" that every twenty-something must endure at some point and I remember the absolute lowest of moments, but also some of the best moments of my life during that time. I remember having moments of complete loneliness, depression and remember considering checking myself into some sort of institution (just a consideration but I did finally go to counseling which was one of best decisions of my life and completely life changing). I also remember moments of complete rest and peace when I could curl up on my couch on a Friday night with a rented movie and a chocolate malt from Braum's, and nights when I would get into my PJ's right after work and lay in bed reading until I fell asleep. That was on the good days. I've felt overwhelmed the last few weeks with social obligation. From wedding celebrations, close friends coming into town, holidays and their respective events/parties, and the usual "low key" night that usually turns into late hours, I feel like I need a break from people. Don't get me wrong...I still will attend every party, get-together, and event, but I definitely want to be more conscience of my need for alone time. I don't ever want to reach a point where I don't want to spend time with my friends because I need to be alone. When I look back on my "alone" days in Oklahoma, its the moment spent with friends that reside more deeply in my soul then the movies I watched alone. I do, however, realize that I need to make time for myself. Time to capture that feeling I had when I spent a Saturday night home alone with my guinea pig and realized that I was ok with it. Time to go to bed at 9pm instead of midnight. Overall I would say that this is a very fortunate consideration to face. It's really wonderful having friends who call you first and never having to worry about boredom on a weekend night.
About number 2: This is a strange bit about me because I've always known this one to be true. I don't really "like" to hug people that much (and never have), but I also know that if I took that "5 love languages" test I would undoubtedly be a physical intimacy kind of a person. I would prefer if we didn't hold hands in a circle when praying over dinner, however I also remember my first boyfriend telling me how aggravating it could be because I always wanted to hold his hand. I remember how crushed I felt realizing that the very language that I most freely expressed my love could be annoying to the person I most wanted to express it too. It's probably good that we broke up and I realize that now. (So you don't think that I'm trying to get sympathy points here, the next guy to fulfill a romantic role in my life spoke a lot of reassurance and hope back into my heart on that subject so there really is no baggage there, that story is only for illustration of a deeper truth about me). Anyways, I really cant figure out why I don't like to hug people, why I get so tense when someone tries to give me a "friendly" back rub, and why when girls cuddle up on a couch for movie night I always want to be on the recliner alone. And more than confusion over this alone, I really cant figure out how this relates with being a girl who constantly want to be held, cuddled, and made-out with when I get into a "romantic" relationship. Maybe I'll never really figure this one out.
posted by carlymarie | 3:27 PM
7 Comments:
I expressed to someone close to me that "I miss being in love." She responded that "Love is all around." I didn't challenge her on that right then but subsequently thought something like: "What the hell does that mean? Love is all around? Maybe a worthless love is to be found just anywhere. A love that costs the giver nothing. A total stranger can express their love to me but if it costs them nothing then it is worthless and devalues the love I really want." I feel that way about touching too. Despite my rating physical touch as incredibly important romantically I only like my friends touching me in certain ways and when I want them to. I almost got into a fight with a guy on a missions project who was always touching everybody. He tried to hug me at the wrong moment and I threw him off me. He was a jerk anyway.
To clarify what I meant... if it wasn't clear I would say that I love the right touch from the right person but get annoyed with anything else. In the same way authentic love from somebody is meaningful but cheap "love" from just anybody is worthless.
Good thoughts Miss Witt. I agree on the importance of alone time. Solitude is a great thing in moderation. I used to be a "don't touch me" person in my early college years, probably because I come from a non-touchy family. But then I had a female friend (not girlfriend) who decided that she was going to give me a hug everyday of our summer mission trip because I "needed 8 hugs a day" or some random statistic like that. I ended up starting to enjoy the friendly hugs from her, but mainly because we were such good friends. During another mission trip I had a guy I didn't know very well, but who was to be my roommate for the year, try to be affectionate like that with me. I'm wondering if this is the same guy that Nick mentioned in his post. I had the same reaction to push him off me and then to threaten him with physical harm if he did it again. So, I think that the physical contact all depends on who is giving it to you and that's why, Carly, you have some situations where you appreciate it greatly and sometimes when you detest it. Maybe, just a thought.
Mike... was his name Joash and he thought he could explain oil politics in the Caspian sea region to you? Even though you're the International Affairs major and he studied biology? Hmmm... was that the guy? Sorry... I'm venting.
Yeah. That guy sure was a know it all. I didn't like when he hugged me either. I would have recognized him from nick's posts....but Nick doesn't let me read them anymore. sob. sigh.
Now Carly... you may have missed, or chosen to disregard, the blog where I asked everyone that wants access to my preferred list to send me their e-mail log-ins to myspace so I could set their access up. I was discussing a work sensitive issue and had to be tyrannical about access.
It's not actually work sensitive anymore because she got fired but... well, I stand by my choice.
Nick, nope I guess it wasn't the same guy I was thinking about, but I think I have met that guy before through a friend. Anyway, maybe there is more than one Mr "Inappropriate levels of affection" guy in the world.
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