Strange Coincidences

Today is the day I'm letting go. It started with a 5 page letter of apology to be read somewhere over the Atlantic. Somewhere in the middle the day I shuffled through my wallet to pay for chocolate covered graham crackers only to find a business card that's been in there for years (I made my co-worker to throw it away). I hope today will end peacefully sleeping in my own bed.

Oddly enough, today is the day ex-boyfriend number 2 of 3 is getting married and ex-boyfriend number 3 of 3 is leaving for life in foreign lands. I wonder what ex number 1 is doing? No wait...I really don't care. With the odd coincidence of both men transitioning away from me, is the feeling that God is leading somewhere new. Either He's telling me today that my feminine allure and heart is nothing compared to the prospect of a life spent with a 90 pound artist-type or a life without indoor plumbing, or He is helping to let go of some things harbored deep inside to prepare me for something more grand and amazing than even I can foresee. I'm hoping for the later option.

The High Bar (a love letter of sorts)

At the annual X-mas family gathering this year, my aunt asked me if I had dated any men. An odd question no doubt, as I most certainly am only attracted to members of the opposite gender, but even more strange was that I actually knew exactly what she meant. “Yes, I’ve dated one man” was my reply. “All others in my past are just….” Well you get the point.

Every time I’ve opened my email in the last two months I’ve contemplated sending him a message. I say “contemplated” because I have yet to pull the trigger, but know that its inevitable that I eventually do so. I got his wedding invite a couple of months ago and after a conversation (or two, or ten) with my dearest friend who knows him well and understands the implications of the situation, we finally decided how best to respond.

Back when he and I were dating we agreed to always be good to one another, no matter what happened down the road. Respectful, honoring, honest, prayerful, uplifting. Those were all characteristics of which we hoped to live by and as close friends and at times best friends for nearly three years after that actual “relationship” ended, surprisingly we did exactly that. And still do. Aside from the memories and endless stories of shared adventures, is the undeniable fact that knowing him has absolutely changed my life. Praying with him frequently changed prayer in my life. Truly having and feeling his love during part of my life helped me grow closer my True Love. Often I find myself reflecting back on who he is and hoping to live with the kind of grace, heart, perspective that he continually focuses on. Truly he is a man set apart from many boys.

Anyways, I’m about to write the email I’ve been dreading for so long. I’ve dreaded it because my friend and I decided that despite his or my honorable and best intentions, there’s just no way that I can continue the friendship that he and I have shared in the past. He lives in a different state and to see each other or talk frequently on the phone (which is what true friendships need) would require special effort. Effort that just seems, in light of his upcoming marriage, inappropriate. That sucks. Big time.

The bit of encouragement I have through this, is most certainly that God placed this man in my life with great purpose. He used this man to bring me closer to Him, to give me some of the best stories and adventures of my life thus far, and to set a high bar and a deep seeded hope and prayer for the next man who will enter my life and absolutely sweep me off my feet. For that reason alone, I can look upward and say “thank you”. I can smile and approach tomorrow with hope and joyous anticipation of the good things that are to come…..

Spring Break 2007!

I never took the typical Spring Break trip in college. There were some great road trips with dear friends (usually to ski or backpack), but I never hit up the beaches of Cancun or the Key's for a few days of sun, scandal, and booze. I never went to prom or homecoming either. No limo rides or pretty dresses for me in high school.

The past four days offered a little of both and though I look back on many of the memories with much fondness (like watching two of my best friends get married, a trip to Disneyland, and catching some rays while reading one of my favorite new books on the beach), I am truly grateful that I waited to have some of the other "not so pleasant" experiences that would be characteristic of one's prom and spring break until now. I don't know how I would have handled sitting alone at my high school prom while all my friends danced with the boys and realizing as the evening was drawing to a close, that I would soon be forced to put to rest any hope of just one twirl around the floor. I guess I can take it better as a 26 year old, or at least I think I can, and I'm grateful that God spared me that experience until now. I also don't know how I would have handled waking up on a Saturday morning with the vague memory of some crazy "energetic drunk" running, rather stumbling, into the ocean the night before. I don't like public nudity that much and when the boys felt like they too had to prove themselves, let the record state that I looked the other direction. Its doubtful though, that the same can be said for them and in college I probably would have gotten up the next morning full of regrets. But then again everyone has their price.

Anyways, overall it was a fun trip with fun friends and now I have some good memories and a tan. So that alone is worth the minor heart wounds and frustrations of the weekend. I'm just glad in retrospect that all of this happened now and with the people it happened with. I love them all so much and at one point during the wedding I do remember looking at all of them dancing and laughing, and I remember thinking how grateful I am to have them in my life, especially the two getting married. A lonely wedding spent on the sidelines of the dance floor is certainly better than no wedding at all.

Extreme Measures

I really hope to go to jail for this:

At 0115am A233 had an after-hours pool party with approx. 15 persons as guests all piled into the hot tub and pool! NO MORE FOLKS! Next, people WILL go to JAIL! Police WILL be involved next incident! Will NOT be tolerated!

I especially like how the "security guard" included the a.m. on military time. Anyways, is it wrong of me to find this funny and actually look forward to spending a night in the slammer with the Sammy the Streetwalker and Felicity the Felon for a pool violation?

Flags of Our Father's

Let me be clear on one point here. I have no idea, at least personally, what going to war is like. My eight years of military service has been neatly packaged in terms of crescendos , concerns over tempo, and andante sections and I have only fired my weapon at targets. Never another human being. With that being firmly stated let me say something else. I do believe that I know much more about what it means to go to war and fight for this country than everybody I'm around in my little world of suburban Denver. I know this because I have first hand experience with many who have been there and experienced it. I have shared a smelly tent, been trained in the art of setting up ambushes, and padded through forests at 2am with 60+ pounds of gear on my head, my shoulders, and on my back while listening to their stories of IED's, firing their weapons at real, living people, and the tragedy of losing their comrades. I've heard their stories, I've asked them questions, and their response always has one thing in common: it's tragic. It's tragic the way war tears countries apart, people apart, and the way soldiers come home to families that have often been stressed and stretched beyond repair.

Last night I watched the movie "Flag of Our Fathers" with my roommate's fiance. Though I have never loved Clint Eastwood, I truly found it to be one of the most insightful, truth filled depictions of what war is really about. I think one of the lines that struck me was when one of the main characters, fed up with the attention and misrepresentation that he had received for allegedly partaking in raising the flag at Iwo Jima said "I'm no hero. I'm just trying to not get shot." What war is about is one thing. What war is represented to our society to be about is entirely something different.

One of my friends is considering joining the active duty Army. Though I would be supportive no matter what he decides, I do believe his perspective to be a bit naive. He seems to have bought into the persona of soldiers running around and jumping out of trees with knives in their mouths and then coming out the hero in the end that seems to fill the average civilian's belief about a day in the life of an American soldier. I know he has motivation to join other than just the grandeur and illusion of fighting for our country like our grandfathers did, but I really just want to shake him and in some way persuade him of what I know to be true about military service. It's a lot of sitting around, and then comes one day when you're thrust into the middle of a situation of which you have no control. A situation where your main concern is just to not get shot. To shoot them before they can focus their front sight on your forehead. That is the real experience that I've talked about with so many soldiers who have been there and done that. Don't get me wrong, I have the greatest respect for them all. But I wouldn't wish any friend to live this life and I think, rather I know, the soldier's who have been there would agree.

Sure the true tragedy might be a life wasted behind a computer at a desk eight hours a day for the rest of one's life, but shouldn't the truth of what the military is be considered before ultimately signing away years of your life? Most movies are not the truth. Most recruiters are not the truth because they have a quota to fulfill. Maybe the more appropriate consideration would be, how best can I serve others and would sitting around all day until someone shoots at me really fulfill that desire?