My Confession

Customer at Starbucks: You used to work at that restaurant down the road didn't you?
Me: Yep. Sure did.
Customer: I remember you mentioning that you ski. Have you hit the slopes a lot this season?
Me: Yep. Sure have.
Customer: Would you want to maybe get together sometime for coffee...well I guess you work at a coffee shop....maybe we could do something else?
Me: I'm dating someone right now. (a lie)
Customer: Oh really? How long have you been dating?
Me: A couple of months now. (another lie)
Customer: So it must be serious!?!
Me: Very! (I cant stop lying now that I've started right!?!)
Customer: Ok. Well I'm sure I'll see you around. Let me know if things don't work out and maybe we can go skiing together sometime.

So I don't know where all of this came from. I don't know how I could look this person straight in the eye and with complete conviction and sincerity, lie right to his face about my dating status. It's been probably two months since my last real date so a serious "relationship" is not even a remote part of my vocabulary right now. I don't consider myself a habitual liar, but the string of lies came out of my mouth with no control. As if every bit of it was true. And the poor chump believed me. That's whats amazing. With skills like this, I should be hired out by a secret agency or something.

The Truth Behind My Diet

Finally....I've made it through my seven day miracle cleanse. According to the website of this lovely program, the first 10 days I eliminated parasites and toxins that had been building in my digestive system for my 26 years by eating only fruits, vegetables, rice, and beans, and by taking 17 pills a day that claimed they would clean out all of the bad and leave all of the good. Based on my body's reaction to them though, I really think they were just herbal laxatives. (Sorry...that's gross). Anyways, the second stage of the program involved fasting for 7 days and taking different pills that were suppose to essentially do the same thing. Again, based on my body's reaction to them, I think they were just more herbal laxatives. Both forms of the pills would make me nauseous for a few hours each day and a couple of times at work incapacitate me to the point of needing to run to the back room so I wouldn't pass out in the middle of making coffee. Sounds fun doesn't it!?! Despite all of the "fun" though, I've learned some good lessons through this diet and I'm glad I did it. Not because I feel like I've cleaned out my colon, as was the original intent of the diet, but because I found some truth in the lies that I've believed about myself the last few years. Here are some examples:

Lie: There's no way that I would ever have the will power to fast, even for a day.
Truth: I can fast. For 7 days in a row actually and its really not that big of a deal.

Lie: Everyone around me can tell when I gain or lose a single pound and will treat me differently based on what they see in front of them.
Truth: They notice when the difference is about 10 pounds. But they really don't treat me any differently. It's me who acts differently based on my weight. (This is a subject, that goes much deeper with many more facets and one that I've blogged about many times before and will continue to blog about)

Lie: I would look a lot better to those around me if I lost 10 pounds and everyone will love me more and boys will ask me to marry them.
Truth: After losing 10 pounds, I do look better when I see myself in the mirror, but I don't really think those around me care that much. And no boys have asked me to marry them in the last two weeks.

Lie: My colon needs to be cleaner.
Truth: My colon is just fine the way it is.

Lie: Dieting will make me a healthier person.
Truth: Dieting makes me obsessive about food and my body image. I may be physically more healthy when I restrict my diet to veggies and fruits, but internally I am messed up when I'm dieting. What works better for me is staying active by playing lots of ultimate, jogging lots of miles, roller blading, crunches, push-ups, skiing, hiking, pilates, etc. and not crying over the fact that every once in a while, a cheeseburger sounds really yummy.

Lie: My friends are really close and know me really well.
Truth: My friends are much closer after we've texted, discussed, and agonized for 17 days over our bowel movements and compared how many times we visited the bathroom in a 24 hour period.

So there you have it. I'm glad I made it, not because I feel like I've cleaned out my digestive system, but because I've grown internally through some trials and realized some deeper truths about myself, my friends, and my own body image.

Crappy Weather or Crappy Attitudes; Which Will It Be?

Guy at the Dry Cleaners: Here's your dress. I worked really hard and was actually able to get the stains out. It will be 8 dollars.
Me: Oh..I think I paid when I dropped the dress off. Shuffles through purse looking for receipt only to find an empty wallet.
Guy: Well, I don't usually make people pay until they pick up their clothes, but go ahead. It's ok if you are sure you paid.
Me: You know what? I didn't pay. You're right. I only have four dollars in cash. Do you take credit?
Guy: I'm so sorry but we don't. I actually just opened last week so we haven't had time to set up the credit card machine. It's ok. I'll just take the 4 dollars and we'll call it even.
Me: Of course not! Let me drive home and get the rest of the money. I'll be right back. Heads out the door.
Guy: Miss...You forgot your dress.
Me: I'll pay for it when I get back with the money.
Guy: Well o.k. but I trust you if you want to take it now.

So the reason I typed this dialogue verbatim, is to illustrate something that has changed in me that I don't like, and to divulge a possible reason as to why. When I left the store sans dress to get the money that I owed the nice dry cleaning man, my first thought was: "How in the hell will this guy's business ever survive if he continues to 'trust everyone' all of the time?" I found this to be a very frustrating reaction to this particular scenario because I think that it shows that coloradoan life in the suburbs is rubbing off on me a bit. Instead of recognizing this as a nice encounter with another person cut from the same piece of clothe as myself (which is the reaction I would prefer), I retreated home with cynicism and critique (which I don't like).

I lived for six years in Stillwater, Oklahoma; population about 60,000 (when school is in session). I would have never thought this to be an unusual interaction and I definitely would have never been cynical when a conversation like this occurred. It would have just been another day in either 104 degree heat with 90 percent humidity, or 30 degree freeze with -20 degree wind chill (those are your two options in that state). Trust, in Oklahoma, even the urban centers like Tulsa and OKC, is still a common value and practice in personal relationship and in business. I have countless stories of how refreshing it was to live among people that still trusted eachother and how frustrating it can be to live in Colorado where people do not. I hope to still trust and not let too much of Colorado rub off on me. Though I wont leave my car running when I would run into a convenience store or the bank like I did back in Stillwater, I still want to maintain an attitude reflective of the experiences I had during those six years, and not one of cynicism and critique which I find all too common in this state. I miss Oklahoma.

Salubriousness, Stubbornness, or Just Plain Stupid?

So I'm approaching the half-way mark on my post-holiday diet/colon cleansing endeavor. And when I say half way mark, I really mean just the half-way mark of the seven day fast which has proven to be the more trying stage of the experience. During the first ten day segment last week, I could at least eat fruits and vegetables. Man I miss boccoli.

I've decided I probably wont do this again. Though I see the value of cleaning out your colon as presented by the lovely photographers and marketers of the so-called "Seven-Day Miracle Diet," I really don't like what this whole experience has made of me. I've become obsessive about food. I think constantly about the things that I don't get to eat on a daily basis, and the thought of one more gulp of juice (the one approved item during the past few days) makes my stomach churn. Along with the nauseating thought of drinking one more sip of of Odwalla "Super-Food" is the actual nausea induced by all of the pills. I actually threw up today a couple of times during church. It was a blend of the pills, the rocking chair in the nursery, and the baby's head that smelled far too much like pancakes drenched in syrup that made me run off to the restroom so quickly. Pancakes have never made me throw up before so I'm mostly placing blame on the pills laden with Bentonite Clay. (Really? We're suppose to be ingesting the very thing that causes cracks in the cement of my parents basement?) I did cheat a bit this afternoon and had a wheat bagel. Amazingly, I felt almost instantly better. Good enough that I actually think I'm going to make it through the last few days of this beast unless I toss my cookies...er....um....apple juice again tomorrow morning.

Aside from some of the physically discomforting ailments of this diet which I can handle, there are some things going on around in my head right now which I cant handle. They make me think this wasn't the best of ideas and that maybe I shouldn't be such a lemming all of the time. First of all, like I said earlier, all I think about is food. What I'm going to eat when I'm done (Subway sandwich baby!), what I'm missing out eating now (a fabulous dinner at the Governor's inauguration ball Friday night), and what my body is going to look like when I do start eating again (the weight loss is undeniably a benifit). Secondly, I don't like how angry with myself I became when I starting losing it during church and realizing that I might actually have to ingest something of substance in the day to refrain sticking my head in a toilet again. I consider myself a pretty tough girl and it was so irritating that my body decided to become the boss of me this morning. Then I was irritated because I was irritated. It's completely reasonable to listen to what my body is telling me afterall. I just didn't like that my body wasn't following through with my head's plan to fast for the third day in a row. Then I cried.

Lastly, I don't like how all of those thoughts and experiences are distracting me from the good things in life. Like cheeseburgers and the fact that I really didn't get a whole lot out of today's amazing sermon about finances. I'm also not allowed to exercise for another week. How will I ever get into shape for ultimate season at this rate? I don't really know that all of the mental discomfort, and of course hurling in the toilet in the church bathroom, is really worth losing a few pounds and having the right to claim a clean colon. I'll update when this whole debacle is finished and let you know if I still feel the same.

Musings on Big Brother

A couple of afternoons ago during a nap I had one of those dreams that most everyone has on occasion. One that is so easy to recall that you are left wondering if there is some implicit meaning to be derived outside of the random firing of synopsis during the semi-conscious state of being. One that leaves you wondering if you really should pay attention to what is being "taught" or "spoken" to you in the dream world. There is no doubt that God has often used dreams in the history of humanity to speak truth both on very large and very personal levels to His people, but I find myself wondering often if my dreams really do have any meaning or if they are merely creations of my own artistic mind. Really I think that there is a little bit of both in an explanation. Unless any of you are willing to volunteer as my dream interpreter, which is probably risky, I guess I'm left to decipher these on my own.

About once every few months I have a dream that sticks with me either because its completely out of the ordinary, like the dream in which the taliban shot me in Victoria's Secret at the mall (ask me sometime why I wont go through revolving doors anymore unless it is my only option), or because it seems to have some implicit meaning based on a deeper cognizant level of my inner-self. In one more recent dream my ex-boyfriend, (I think we might have been married in the dream) came home looking completely upset and I ran out to hug him. He looked me in the eye and apologized for not being able to protect me "from this" anymore. Shortly thereafter a snake bit me in the back and he did everything he could to fend off the beast, but I still died. I'm still trying to figure out what "from this" is and why I needed his protection. I cant remember if I had this dream before or after we went to see live rattle snakes and "Little Israel" back in some Podunk town in Oklahoma, which is a funny story if your every curious, but I think that there might be some meaning in this one aside from me just associating him with snakes.

Anyways, a couple of afternoons ago I was driving down a road in Oklahoma (a road that has appeared many times before in my dreams) and an airplane crashed in front of me. It was a Lear 23 to be exact. I jumped out of my car, as did all of the other rubberneckers and shortly thereafter, a mysterious gas started seeping through the cracks in the road. For some reason I was immune to the gas and I had some sort of omniscient perspective on how everything went down, but I watched as all of the others around me begin to forget what they had just witnessed while emergency vehicles cleaned up the wreckage. Basically, the plane wreck got cleaned up, people breathed-in the mystery gas, forgot what they witnessed, then got back into their cars and drove on the merry way. I remember feeling pissed. Angry that people could forget so easily about something so traumatic. Angry that our government would inhibit the citizen's ability to recognize and respond to a disaster. Angry that our perception of reality is so easily controlled and manipulated. And especially angry that I had to face living a life where no one cared anymore about the bad things that go on in this world. All that anger, just from a dream. It must be because I'm a chick, or because of these damned "post-holiday" diet/cleansing pills, but I do really remember the emotions I felt in this dream.

I guess now I'm just left to decipher whether or not there is any meaning in this. Though the cause of all my anger in this dream has never really happened in front of me, I can say that my response of anger mimic feelings and emotions I really have experienced when facing tragedy that is a reality in our world. Any ideas on what all of this could mean?

Two Things. Narcissism cont.

Two surprising things I noticed about myself this week:

1. I'm far more independent than I previously thought
2. I don't like to be touched

About number 1: I spent 2 years of my life living alone in Oklahoma. It was during that whole "quarter-life crisis" that every twenty-something must endure at some point and I remember the absolute lowest of moments, but also some of the best moments of my life during that time. I remember having moments of complete loneliness, depression and remember considering checking myself into some sort of institution (just a consideration but I did finally go to counseling which was one of best decisions of my life and completely life changing). I also remember moments of complete rest and peace when I could curl up on my couch on a Friday night with a rented movie and a chocolate malt from Braum's, and nights when I would get into my PJ's right after work and lay in bed reading until I fell asleep. That was on the good days. I've felt overwhelmed the last few weeks with social obligation. From wedding celebrations, close friends coming into town, holidays and their respective events/parties, and the usual "low key" night that usually turns into late hours, I feel like I need a break from people. Don't get me wrong...I still will attend every party, get-together, and event, but I definitely want to be more conscience of my need for alone time. I don't ever want to reach a point where I don't want to spend time with my friends because I need to be alone. When I look back on my "alone" days in Oklahoma, its the moment spent with friends that reside more deeply in my soul then the movies I watched alone. I do, however, realize that I need to make time for myself. Time to capture that feeling I had when I spent a Saturday night home alone with my guinea pig and realized that I was ok with it. Time to go to bed at 9pm instead of midnight. Overall I would say that this is a very fortunate consideration to face. It's really wonderful having friends who call you first and never having to worry about boredom on a weekend night.

About number 2: This is a strange bit about me because I've always known this one to be true. I don't really "like" to hug people that much (and never have), but I also know that if I took that "5 love languages" test I would undoubtedly be a physical intimacy kind of a person. I would prefer if we didn't hold hands in a circle when praying over dinner, however I also remember my first boyfriend telling me how aggravating it could be because I always wanted to hold his hand. I remember how crushed I felt realizing that the very language that I most freely expressed my love could be annoying to the person I most wanted to express it too. It's probably good that we broke up and I realize that now. (So you don't think that I'm trying to get sympathy points here, the next guy to fulfill a romantic role in my life spoke a lot of reassurance and hope back into my heart on that subject so there really is no baggage there, that story is only for illustration of a deeper truth about me). Anyways, I really cant figure out why I don't like to hug people, why I get so tense when someone tries to give me a "friendly" back rub, and why when girls cuddle up on a couch for movie night I always want to be on the recliner alone. And more than confusion over this alone, I really cant figure out how this relates with being a girl who constantly want to be held, cuddled, and made-out with when I get into a "romantic" relationship. Maybe I'll never really figure this one out.

Feeling Sorry for Myself: A Random Tirade of Thoughts

On the decaf iced triple tall sugar free hazelnut blended extra hot no foam with whip four equal latte: Everyone should work for some time in the service industry at some point in their life. It really changes your perspective. If you're driving through a place that has so graciously stayed open in a blizzard do not (!) complain about the roads and how you hope to make it safely home. The people working there are risking their own safety on the roads to feed your caffeine addiction so really you should just be gracious. Or drink tea at home.

On my previous post:If you want to let someone know some of their more "negative" personality traits, it's best done under a real name and not anonimity. I rarely regard postings as valid when Mr./Mrs. Anonymous refuses to reveal themselves. Perhaps it is just you that makes me nervous and tense and not a trait always true to my character.

On D-Will: So sad. I didn't exactly "hang-out" with him in college, but yes, our paths crossed a few times at good ol' Stillwater Lanes and I had the highest respect for his smile, his game (palmed the bowling ball and managed to get a strike everytime), and the overall way that he chose to spend his Thursday nights at a dive bowling ally instead of causing trouble like so many of his Sooner counterparts. I remember making that exact remark almost 3 years ago.

Fueling My Narcissism

Just bored. That's all.

Some Thoughts From Mrs. Scrooge

A couple of days before Christmas I was battling the last minute shopping rush searching for a 12-inch bungie cord that was on my dad's list (strange...I know), and I realized something: The thing I was most looking forward to about Christmas this year was it being over. Now that it is over and done with, all I really have is a credit card bill and a pile of new gifts in the corner of my room awaiting a home on some shelf in the closet. As I was shopping this year, to alleviate some of the holiday stress I mentally stripped down everything about Christmas that is cultural, traditional, expected, and routine. I tried to imagine what this holiday would be like without Christmas trees (we would never have to debate the political correctness of a "holiday tree"), lights, obligatory parties (more on this later), and especially gifts. That took me to a very good place. A place I wish Christmas would forever rest. I despise that a 12-inch bungie cord is in some way suppose to reflect God's greatest gift to the world and I find it irritating that with every holiday party, we're expected to spend another 30 bucks on a gift to give someone who we see only once a year. I'm positive that God wants us to be in community when we celebrate him, but I hardly think that "dirty santa" gift exchanges is what He had in mind when Jesus was born in that tiny manger.

We should do away with Christmas. It has strayed so far from any intended meaning that I really doubt we, as a society, could ever return to what the holiday is suppose to be about. Case in point: every year my group of high school friends gets together for a little party. We eat, do crafts like making wreaths or painting dishes, and then we always do a gift exchange. This year I was considering the celebration and realized that the whole ordeal really had nothing to do with Christmas at all. It is just an exercise in cultural expectation. Don't get me wrong, I love that I still stay in touch with these wonderful girls from my past and Christmas is a good calendar marker and excuse to do it, but really I would find it just as nice to meet up for a quite dinner out then trying to maintain all of the traditions because we feel like we "have to."

The tradition of the holiday has become so ingrained in our culture that the only way I see possible to eliminate the commercialism and return to the root and reason for the holiday, would be to eliminate the population itself and start over. While this may be a reasonable approach according to some political leaders and extremists in the Middle East, I rather enjoy my life here in the States and would much rather do away with the holiday alone than obliterate an entire population. Anyho, at least I can get some rest and relaxation knowing that Christmas is almost an entire year away. Bah Humbug.