Oklahoma OK!

Q: Them sons-a-bitches lookin' aweful brown. Did you brush them this morning?
A: Naw man, it was way too early.

That was the conversation in line as I was standing at gate 2 (out of 11) at 5am to board my Frontier flight from Oklahoma City to Denver a few days ago. I laughed to myself a bit and thought, "yep...I'm definitely in Oklahoma." Despite the somewhat repulsive nature of the aformentioned conversation, I couldn't help but be sad to leave the place that for 6 formative years, I considered my home. Just three days earlier I had landed at the OKC airport full of anticipation and excitement about a much needed retreat to the state that has so much to offer, and was overwhelmed with the feeling that I was returning to a home that was no longer my home. Needless to say, the trip was bittersweet.

I used to pray endless hours with a dear friend, before I moved to Colorado, that I would find community and friendship. Those blessings were certainly delivered with great enthusiasm almost instantly. Now I yearn for peace, a quite night by myself at home, and a early night to bed curled up with a good book. Why must I always hope and wish for what I do not have and will there ever be a time in my life when I feel truly at home?

Another dear friend e-mailed me recently about how he felt like his life was somewhat of a SIM reality game. Not really reality, because what he was living daily was not really true to who he was. I've been contmplating a lot on that as of late and a conclusion that I can draw is that we really are living some sort of SIM version of life in-light of our true reality that is eternal and not that which we are bombarded with in these dying bodies on this dying earth. Until we face that which is Truth and reality which is eternal, none of us will ever feel truly at home. This life and place that we call home currently is fading and temporary. Yes it's "real" and yes it entails certain responsibilities and obligations (as well as a constant range of emotion, hope, excitement, fear, and love), but truthfully it is a mere speck on the grand spectrum of life, both temporal and eternal.

I don't mean this to sound depressing. To be truthful it is quite possibly one of the more hopeful blogs I've written in a long time.

Guy at a rest stop in Oklahoma about 6 years ago: The guy said I have really good bone structure.
His friend: Yeah....you've only had 10 cavities in 5 years! And that's without brushing your teeth ever!

Half a Truth

I'm having to face the reality of reality. I think we all know it exists on many levels, even those who try their entire lives to wrap their minds around relativism probably know that there is an element of absolute that can never really be resolved with a philosophy of "what's good for you....." World religions embrace versions and adaptations of truth often to fit a cultural pattern or political structure and many individuals would say that "truth" is one essential element to making a lifelong, trusting relationship work. It's there. We all know it and feel it. Truth at our core, is undeniable.

I want to be truthful to those around me in general. But in some sense, I don't have the obligation to be truthful to EVERYBODY about my life because really, there are not enough hours in the day. Likewise, I wouldn't expect the whole truth from most people either because I can respect that some elements of truth in our lives are private, protected, and should remain that way. A lot of times we cant necessarily be obligated to truth because we might not really have a conscience grasp of what the whole truth is. For example, I tell people in truth, that I will be leaving for Thailand in May. It's only a partial truth however, that I'm planning on leaving in May because really, I just don't know. The reasons I'm not sure yet, take far too long to clarify and frankly, I don't think I owe it to anybody to go into any further explanation. May just seems like a good estimate, even though it's only founded on something partially honest.

In my estimation there are 3 main reasons people consciously withhold truth:
1. We don't want others to know something about us because it's embarrassing, boring, or just doesn't seem to have much weight on the tangible, worthwhile part of the relationship.
2. We want to be valued for something other than what we value ourselves to be.
3. We want to manipulate and remain in control of a relationship. If we tell others the truth about ourselves, then it is up to them to make up their minds about us. If we feed them what we want (whether it is partially true, or an outright lie) then we still hold some sense of control over how we are perceived.

So how responsible are we exactly, to deliver the truth about ourselves? And what responsibility do we have to others to call them out on their partial truths? What about when those partial truths are hurting those around us?

There's a reason we end prayers with Amen (translation- 'the truth'). It's because we are expected to relate to our Wonderful Counselor completely in truth and without guard of the 3 reasons I mentioned earlier. We can still try to use that sort of reasoning with Him, but deep down, we know it wont get us very far in relationship with the Omniscient. With each other, however, there seems to be a sliding scale of how much truth needs to be incorporated into our interactions. How much the scale slides though seems up for interpretation from person to person, and unfortunately, that's when people seem to get hurt.

You Should Too

I'm finding that I'm a person who doesn't like advice. Either this is a trait that I've always had and just recently become aware of, or it's a trait that has newly become characteristic of my genetic make-up and psychological code. Sometimes I think that it's where I'm at in life that makes the people around me want to advise me so often. I'm in my mid-20s, single, and haven't quite found a career that suits me yet (or even a goal for that matter). Maybe everyone thinks I need the help and that's why it seems like every time I turn around someone is beginning a phrase or a statement with "You should...." I'm finding that the moment those two words come out, internal walls go up and my mind immediately starts racing with reasons why "I shouldn't", no matter how valid the advice may be. The end of my advice related stress is one of two things:

1. Instead of internalizing it, start verbally arguing why "I shouldn't" so that eventually my friends, family, co-workers, and random people I meet on the street are conditioned to never again offer advice. This is probably not a very pleasant way to live life, nor fair to the people I love.
-or-
2. Open up my mind and filter the incoming advice so that the stuff that is worthwhile is actually processed and absorbed, and realizes that the true reason anybody says anything at all is because they care for me and want to enable good things into my life.

'You shoulds' that I choose to heed:
Pray more about this
Lay out for that
Come visit

'You shoulds' that I choose to ignore:
Go out tonight
Apply for Great Lakes
Transfer stores

'You shoulds' that I'm still on the fence about:
Get to him before Flatirons does
Fly more often